Locality: Las Vegas

Abstract: Summer is over. To most of us this is not a good thing. It usually means cool family vacations are over, bosses are back in the office full time, and the changes in temperature only emphasizes the countdown to Christmas. For some of us, the ending of summer signals the beginning of a new school year and for harried parents everywhere this is a good thing. Full-time working parents have had 3 months of arranging day care and day camps. Stay-at-home parents have had 3 months of “Where are we going today, Mom? I’m bored!” I can mostly be classified as a stay-at-home mom; the paid work I do part-time, I do mostly out of my home. My daughters went back to school last week, each starting a new adventure with their new grade. And me? I frankly miss them. Why? Not for the reasons you might think, though I do miss their company and even the noise of squabbles that siblings invariably have. I miss the cover they provide me. The ability to hold other people at bay under the guise of a packed summer schedule. Suddenly the kids are gone and so are my excuses for why I don’t get together with friends. Suddenly I look around me and face the facts that I am trapped in a self-imposed cell of loneliness. I just can’t seem to open up to people; I can’t seem to go that extra step friendship requires. Yet, others seem so good at it, and they make it look so easy. My therapist and I have talked about this tendency of mine. And it doesn’t just limit itself to friends; I also do this with my husband as well. Most people in my life are privileged to being held at arms length. But the irony is my daughters think that I have many friends. They think their daddy and I are very close (and we are, as close as I’ll let him be). If they only knew it was a façade. It’s all surface. My best friend from grade school joins me yearly for a weekend away. We don’t talk as much anymore for all the usual reasons: we live in different states and lead busy lives. But the purpose of our trips are to re-unite our hearts and souls that bonded together over 30 years ago. Last year we both came away disappointed. She was disturbed by the long silences between us, and I couldn’t bring myself to open up. What was I afraid of? What am I ever afraid of? To be a friend you have to place yourself wholly in their trust. You have to give up control. Ugh. THAT word again. I am not good at giving up control. I am not good at trusting others to take care of me because historically they have not taken good care of me. I know that only because I’ve had to think about it. As part of my therapy, and of most therapies, I’ve had to do some digging into the past. Turns out I’ve spent much of my life being disappointed with how my thoughts and emotions were handled. Turns out I made a conscious decision somewhere back in time to just take care of myself. The men I’ve loved all had issues themselves –either too independent to need someone like me or were married already and couldn’t need someone like me. And the women have been no better. One friend always went out of her way to put me down or brag about how fabulous her life was. One friend who seemed to actually be a genuinely nice person decided she’d rather spread hurtful rumors about me instead. And another just put more and more distance between us until she finally moved to the other coast with her husband. And these are just adult friends. As a child, the message I got from my parents was that my friends at the time were not “good” enough; they never liked them. So here I am. Funny, outgoing, nice, cheerful . . . but dying of loneliness. It’s time for me to tackle this problem, not just to develop friendships but to develop my marriage as well. Is it no wonder sex is not an option with me? How can I want sex with a man I haven’t trusted with my heart? How can I enjoy sex with someone I won’t give up control with? There is a whole world out there I am missing, but I’m determined to find it. Starting today I’m going to give out just a little piece of myself to my family and my friends. Soon it’ll be time for my annual “getaway” again with my school buddy. Most years I have looked on this with fear in my heart . . . what if I have to answer questions? What if she asks if I’m happy? How do I possibly face the reality that maybe I’m unhappy? This year I’ve already told her about this trouble I’m having. It’s in the open and I know with her help I can once again have the faith to be a friend! And who knows where it’ll lead? I may discover it’s not so bad after all – that not everybody is out to hurt me. I may have made some bad choices in the past, but I’m surrounded now by people who care. Like my husband. Ressource: https://healthlinerx.org/